Well, here I am again. I'm a few days late, but much better than the first time lapse. My car was hit last weekend. My loyal companion brutalized. I was asleep in my bed with my girlfriend, quite happy to be away from the cares of the outside world, when shazam. I like my car. I would say I love my car, but I have a hard time allowing myself such feelings for material possessions. My Master says cars are the horses of today. I talk to my car. These days I tell him it will be ok. I hope. Turns out the guy doesn't have insurance. It looks like his family will pay for the repairs anyway. I think it will turn out ok. I hope.

Do you ever worry that you're something horrible? I mean, something that you do that perhaps you try to deny, then deep down think that is what you are? Sometimes I feel that way. What if deep down I'm just a lousy person. It happens now and then, that lousyness comes out. I'm a normal human being, trying to be good to other human beings, then suddenly without realizing whats happening, I'm not being a nice human being. I worry that perhaps the nice me is.. I don't know. That's what control is I suppose. We all have our good sides and our bad sides. Um and Yang. Yin and Yang in popular talk. It's all about control. What do you show people. Most people think I'm a nice person, in control and able to remain respectable in all situations. Some people know the balance of me, that sometimes I lose that control. And some people only ever catch me on my bad days. These are the people I have the most attachment to. How do I show them my good side? Then the lousyness comes in. Why the hell should I care. The monkey rattles the cage. Who are they to judge me. The monkey screams. Then I remember, I feed the monkey and quiet it with one thought. They are nobody, the only judgement is coming from me, not them. I feel bad about how they see me, because they are finally someone that catches my bad bits and only them. I suddently have to face those bits without the safety of my good bits. It's only me, I am my only judge. The monkey moves to the darker parts of the cage and rests.. planning. Why do I care if someone doesn't like me from what they have seen? People are mirriors, I care because it's me that doesn't like what I see.

It's time for bed now. Sleep seems to come too soon and leave too soon. I can't seem to find a balance anymore. I used to have one. Sleep about eleven, wake about five. It worked for me. Now I just can't find my place. Ahh well.

A slow cloud vies for the attention of the restless wind.
A futile struggle for compassion.
The moon, carefull and calculating crosses the sky.
An endless attempt at reunification.
Water ripples gently, obscuring vision for those that cannot see above.
But swimming fish live happily in their home.

A room, darkness, the darkness of ignorence. Knowledge is a candle.
When the candle is lit, shadows dance around the room.
I cannot be rid of the shadows of ignorence without extiguishing the candle.
Darkness.
Um.
Yang.
Balance.

where is mine?

-=Ali=-