Logical Progression, Monkey to Soul in Four Steps.

2004-02-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ahh to feel the whispering winds blowing in my face as I stand atop the mountains of greatness.
The roar of the crisp air pushing me still further.
Ahh to feel the hard rock under me, the rock which I've climbed and fought to conquer.
The view from the top, the view of the mountains to come.
Ahh to see the valleys that I must descend in order to reach the higher peaks.
The fall, the rise, the motion of the sea in the skies.
Ahh to experience the slight pain of the thin air at the top, the bone chilling winds.
The solitude and the glory of it all.
Ahh to feel
Ahh to see
Ahh to experience
Ahh to desire.

Standing at the base of the mountain creates so many dreams.. but the dreams rarely ever see the work to accomplish them. Few dreams ever allow the thought of, what then? The work is the reward of the dream. Now, who is willing to reap the rewards?

2003-07-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

An interesting mix of focus/direction and brick walls. I can see where I want to go, I want to go there, but a brick wall holds me back. A few good back side kicks should break it, but to what avail? I built it, even if I break it what would it do? In the time I take to break one down another will appear, I know because it's happened. So what is the way? What would a Master do? I feel the answer is to sit down, close my eyes and see clearly. Looking, I cannot see the walls but only the goal. Perhaps closing my eyes I would see the walls. Perhaps they have holes in them, perhaps large enough to walk through. Perhaps I only have to see the walls to pass through them. Perhaps. I know meditation to be what I am lacking, what I need. There is no wall holding me up. Yet, for all people groan about having to keep moving all the time, sitting quietly for ten minutes to half an hour seems somehow like more work than training for ten hours. I think this just tells me how much work is to be done. I do my pushups daily, forms, weapons training, etc.. But sitting and being in meditation still seems like too much time and work. Damn the monkey mind. Sitting quietly I scream. Screaming and moving my mind quiets.. at least it seems to. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

2003-04-03T18:52:00.000-08:00

Musashi is a very interesting book. An interesting man, a work of historical fiction that is somewhat based in fact. I like it, but more meat is needed to make it a truly inspirational book.

2003-03-31T18:51:00.000-08:00

Sparring tonight. My attempts at focusing on what I'm doing have only served to make me less controlled. Too much power, too much need. I want to be great, but I can't sacrifice control over myself for it. Walking on this edge gives me vertigo, but nothing worth doing is easy. So they say.

-=AQB=-

2003-03-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I saw a movie once in which a man was pulled in four different directions by horses, he didn't die.. the point was that he was strong enough to sustain the pulling. That's how I feel every day, as if many forces are pulling me in different directions at the same time and that it takes all my strength to just stop from falling apart. The only thing I've done with conviction in quite some time is not drink soft drinks. The closest I come is ... Actually it's pretty much just water and tea these days. I feel the desire to break even this basic decision that I've made. It is difficult to move to a new resolution when it takes so much will power to sustain the resolution I'm on now. It's been probably six to nine months and I still want to just let go and drink a Dr. Pepper. Weak. So very weak. I train, but not as I should. I'm awake, but not as awake as I should be. I'm aware, but not as aware as I should be. I am a man of weak resolve, of weak will. I'm working to build it, but in a life of complacency how does a warrior tighten the strap and grip the sword? Dedication I apparently have, I have shown that to myself. Now to dedicate myself, to stride forward with reslove and attain. To attain emptiness in the palm I must reach with the utmost intention. Illusory feelings, illusory thoughts, illusory goals. I must remember how to focus the mind. I think I knew once.. But I fell off the edge that I walked. Time to find it. Anybody out there got a light?

Logical Progression
Weakness to Masterhood in Less than 3 steps.

-=AQB=-

2002-11-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

I am an emptiness. A void. An understanding of nonexsistance. A demonstration of the ability to *not* be. Things flow through me, pass over me. I am left unaffected because there is nothing to affect. I could pretend otherwise but there is nothing with which I could pretend. Understanding of myself is impossible as there is nothing there. I am the yin to creation's yang. By not exsisting I allow others to exsist. By standing empty I allow each emotion to pass through me, and over me. By not being solid I do not cling to anything.

Except the thought that I do not exsist. Truth is simply truth, nothing else. A lie is only a lie, nothing else. By realizing I do not exsist, it does not make me fade away, so what will the knoweldge that I do exsist bring. What great adventures?

Logical Progression:
Nonexsistance to Greatness in seven steps or less.
I Think therefore I am. Really.

2002-08-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

And the close of another day. Now I'm a meat head. Before I was Capitan P.J.s because I wore my Dobok Pants everywhere. Now people are agahst at my wearing of blue Jeans which for the first time in probably three years I found a pair that I like. I can't win. I'm not necessarily losing, but I'm not quite winning either. Just sort of floating across a sea of inevitibility. People like to believe in free will, that things are not preordained. I hope that is true. I hope I'm making choices based on what I think is best, and not just playing the part to a play. Because otherwise, I suppose, if preordainment is true, Buddhism is wholely incorrect. So here I am, on my little life raft in the middle of the sea of uncontrolability pretending that I control my little particular section, but really at any moment my whole life could be turned upside down. That's the point of Buddhism that I'm meditating on these days, letting go of the need to control anything. I can't, things are as they are and things will happen no matter how much work I put into it.
Speaking of putting work into things I don't really understand my progression in Tukong these days. It seems that if I put loads of work into my training I get about the same as if I just coast along. Of course most people don't consider four to five classes a day coasting along, but if you can train another three to four hours on your own and you don't, then you're coasting. I dunno, I've memorized my new form.. now I must put to learning it. I suppose this part of Martial Arts is the lesson that no matter how much you learn there are still vast continents of knowldege that you will probably not find. Humm. I like this idea of a sea of inevitibility. That's the world, thats tukong.. no matter how much work or what you do, it will continue along. You can make little splashes, but never change the direction of the waves.

Logical progression:
Sleep to Enlightenment in five steps or less.
Awaken the Sleeping Giant within indeed.

-=AQB=-

2002-08-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

Wow. People read this. Interesting that people would let my rapping of keys on a supposed endless infinite cyber space. All of those unimaginable amounts of information at the tips of the fingers of people, and some of them end up here. Some are from Tukong, some are not. I'm fairly certain that all of them are from Shay's blog.

I'm sitting here listening to Blackalicious "Brain Washers" featuring Ben Harper, a hippie that I usually don't bother with, but his particular genius has lent a very interesting vibe to this particular hip-hop song. Very down tempo.. which is nice for this particular time of day.

I finally finished one of the cooler forms I've been working on today. It is both very challenging and beatiful. Well, it's very challenging to perform, and very beautiful to watch Master do. Sigh. I've been training since I was six. Well, eight really. Eight in tukong, which made my other training look like a joke. Of course my training right now makes all my training before look like a joke. What happens next, Does my next level of training make my current level look like a joke? Hard to imagine some level higher than my current level of soreness every day. Of realization that I know next to nothing every day. That I am nearly incompetent every day. That my very front kick and middle punch are still wrong, after nearly 16 years of training. Of course I've only been training dilligently and with focus for I suppose three years. Still, it's hard to keep a calm mind when it's constantly reeling. Oh well. welcome to the world right? tomorrow is a reletivly easy day.. I'll get to practice my forms, teach an early class and go home early. When you drive, drive. when you shit, shit. When you train, only train. Why is that so hard. It's difficult to not look at something else while immerged in another thing. for instance, I can't keep concentration on even writing this without thinking of other things I should be doing. How the hell am I supposed to ever fufill my potential if I can't even focus on working to fufill it? Well, now that I think of it I do manage to focus during my forms. Between them I'm still pretty off, but during them I am able to think only about that. Of course, I'm not supposed to be thinking of the next technique, only what I'm doing. Baby steps hum?

Now that I know people are reading this it is harder to say anything interesting. I say harder because I can't particularly imagine that I have before. Oh well. Sleep now. No more music.. And I'm tired. weary. calm. It's a good time to sleep.

-=AQB=-

P.S. I'll have to look at the clock thingy.. it isn't 9. it's 11.

2002-07-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I just had a birthday. I have now passed 26 years. I am now older than a quarter of a century. Of course this is all still quite young and all that, but what has been accomplished in that time? Is my life actually worth anything to this world? What have I contributed to the world and entities that have created me. What is my life worth to my soul? I can't understand people who think this is it, there is no other than the mere phsicality of this world. From there I can understand suicide rates, or high crime rates, I can understand why our society has become so striated and our nations viciously seperate from other nations. The ego is what demands singularity as a being, the true self, from what I gather, doesn't demand much of anything, but seeks understanding and truth. Being visiously independant doesn't seem true to me. But happy and blithe doesn't seem much of the true either. So we come back to Balance. I hear so many people, including myself earlier on, say that enlightenment must be boring and goofy because there is no imputus for action, just silent conteplation of... what? Perfection? No, there is much imputus for action, the world around, beauty, truth, other people who don't understand it yet. When I was in the monastary (Buddhist) somehow we the students got into a conversation about enlightenment (gee, surprise) and I said I didn't want to become enlightened because I thought it was selfish to want to become enlightened when there were so many people who didn't have a path or light along it, I was told of the concept of the bodisattva, one who becomes enlightened but stays back to help others, thus many of the teachers and stuff that have been reincarnated. Somehow the thought still bothered me, I thought becoming enlightened would take the joy out of the small things in life, the joy out of a summer's day, the joy out of a winter's day, the joy out of watching ants crawl around on your leg while feeling the sun beating softly on your back while a cool breeze plays across your face. I dreaed that, somewhere I knew it was a worthy eventual goal, but I didn't want to lose those things. But it isn't is it. I mean, you don't lose those things.. your constantly see them. Enlightened mind is constantly amazed and intrigued by all these things, the enlightened mind simply doesn't succumb to the desire to hold these moments forever and therefore does not suffer as a consequence of the knowldge that you cannot hold onto anything forever. Truely a worthy goal. I must buckle down now, the new school has opened and with it a whole new era. It is time to double my efforts and hit the floor and the books. Reaching masterhood is much like reaching enlightenment, a slightly terrifying prospect, but a worthy goal for my life. What is life without goals? A life without joy.

-=AQB=-

2002-07-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's all so futile. Why does anybody ever bother? What's the point.. nothing makes a lick of difference in anything. I don't write what I'm talking about because there is nothing to name. It's everything, anything. It is all pointless. I don't want to continue making the effort if I can't even reward myself for the effort anymore. I don't expect other people to reward me, but I expect to take pride in my work. I can't. I have no more joy to give myself. It's worthless. My work, my effort, my attempts at making myself appreciate what I've done. I look around at my work and see it disappear, there is no work. No effort, no attempt, no me, no joy, no lack of joy, no lack of myself, no attempt, no effort. It's all nonexsistant, it is only what it is, so how am I supposed to affect anything. How am I supposed to want to. How does anybody ever deal with it? How does anybody ever continue. How does anybody ever ask someone to do something where there is no real effect in any part of the universe, even the egg that breaks to make the omlette, it doesn't change, nothing has happened. Ever. Nothing has ever happen and nothing ever will. So what's the point. why.

-=AQB=-

2002-04-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well hello.

I'm so bloody behind on writing I think I'll just pretend I've never written here before.

So the question becomes.. who's been writing that ridiculious prattle before this post. No matter, I shall find them and have them summarily executed.

So last friday night I had a Halo game with 15 or so other people. The most fun I've ever had playing video games. Normally I don't enjoy video games much because of the whole escapist functionality of them. Not to say I don't play at all, I mean, I have an Xbox. I just don't enjoy them a whole lot. I'm playing the new Spider-man right now.. it's alright and I can see the appeal of getting lost in a world where you are able to swing from roof top to roof top by slinging webbing to.. clouds, or triangulating them between other buildings and creating a base to swing from or whatever it is that he does. It also isn't to say that I won't be seeing the new Spider man movie coming out in two weeks.. which really has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. I suppose my topic is escapism. Trust me, I see the appeal, but I also see the pitfalls. Which is more potent to my mind? To which am I more readily addicted, escapism. To which do I want to devote myself, reality. But anyway, I played halo and enjoyed it immensely. One of the few times I've actually done well in a game against other humans.

My thoughts are scattered right now, so I should probably stop writing about now. Who knows, perhaps I'll actually make two days in a row...

2002-03-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again. I'm a few days late, but much better than the first time lapse. My car was hit last weekend. My loyal companion brutalized. I was asleep in my bed with my girlfriend, quite happy to be away from the cares of the outside world, when shazam. I like my car. I would say I love my car, but I have a hard time allowing myself such feelings for material possessions. My Master says cars are the horses of today. I talk to my car. These days I tell him it will be ok. I hope. Turns out the guy doesn't have insurance. It looks like his family will pay for the repairs anyway. I think it will turn out ok. I hope.

Do you ever worry that you're something horrible? I mean, something that you do that perhaps you try to deny, then deep down think that is what you are? Sometimes I feel that way. What if deep down I'm just a lousy person. It happens now and then, that lousyness comes out. I'm a normal human being, trying to be good to other human beings, then suddenly without realizing whats happening, I'm not being a nice human being. I worry that perhaps the nice me is.. I don't know. That's what control is I suppose. We all have our good sides and our bad sides. Um and Yang. Yin and Yang in popular talk. It's all about control. What do you show people. Most people think I'm a nice person, in control and able to remain respectable in all situations. Some people know the balance of me, that sometimes I lose that control. And some people only ever catch me on my bad days. These are the people I have the most attachment to. How do I show them my good side? Then the lousyness comes in. Why the hell should I care. The monkey rattles the cage. Who are they to judge me. The monkey screams. Then I remember, I feed the monkey and quiet it with one thought. They are nobody, the only judgement is coming from me, not them. I feel bad about how they see me, because they are finally someone that catches my bad bits and only them. I suddently have to face those bits without the safety of my good bits. It's only me, I am my only judge. The monkey moves to the darker parts of the cage and rests.. planning. Why do I care if someone doesn't like me from what they have seen? People are mirriors, I care because it's me that doesn't like what I see.

It's time for bed now. Sleep seems to come too soon and leave too soon. I can't seem to find a balance anymore. I used to have one. Sleep about eleven, wake about five. It worked for me. Now I just can't find my place. Ahh well.

A slow cloud vies for the attention of the restless wind.
A futile struggle for compassion.
The moon, carefull and calculating crosses the sky.
An endless attempt at reunification.
Water ripples gently, obscuring vision for those that cannot see above.
But swimming fish live happily in their home.

A room, darkness, the darkness of ignorence. Knowledge is a candle.
When the candle is lit, shadows dance around the room.
I cannot be rid of the shadows of ignorence without extiguishing the candle.
Darkness.
Um.
Yang.
Balance.

where is mine?

-=Ali=-

2002-03-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

Rage of Spades. Ace of spades is supposed to be the ultimate trump. It's lonely at the top, even the most controlled and powerful leader must harbor some resentment tword the postition. No matter how much they want that position, that power, that prestige, surely one must resent the price to be paid. So, the inanimate object, the Ace of Spades.. what did he have to give up? What is his rage?
It's been a trying past few weeks. I'm always tired, I always want more, but can't find the focus to work for it. I work eight hours a day, and need to work eight more. What about the rest of my life? I have to work for that too don't I? Well, I suppose work is the way inwhich our lives are brought to fruition. You reap what you sew. Monkey of the mind screems and cries, waited to be released. The cage is locked tightly, no escape for him. One day he may bend the bars, What then?

-=Ali=-

2001-08-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. Monkey see monkey do I suppose. I've known of the exsistance of these things for awhile, but never bothered to want one. My girlfriend has one, as do all her friends.. now here I am. An interesting state of affairs really. But oh well. I don't particualrly feel like writing a whole lot tonight, so this is about it.

By the way. I reserve the right to spell anything and everything wrong and not get smacktalk for it.