Ahh to feel the whispering winds blowing in my face as I stand atop the mountains of greatness.
The roar of the crisp air pushing me still further.
Ahh to feel the hard rock under me, the rock which I've climbed and fought to conquer.
The view from the top, the view of the mountains to come.
Ahh to see the valleys that I must descend in order to reach the higher peaks.
The fall, the rise, the motion of the sea in the skies.
Ahh to experience the slight pain of the thin air at the top, the bone chilling winds.
The solitude and the glory of it all.
Ahh to feel
Ahh to see
Ahh to experience
Ahh to desire.

Standing at the base of the mountain creates so many dreams.. but the dreams rarely ever see the work to accomplish them. Few dreams ever allow the thought of, what then? The work is the reward of the dream. Now, who is willing to reap the rewards?

An interesting mix of focus/direction and brick walls. I can see where I want to go, I want to go there, but a brick wall holds me back. A few good back side kicks should break it, but to what avail? I built it, even if I break it what would it do? In the time I take to break one down another will appear, I know because it's happened. So what is the way? What would a Master do? I feel the answer is to sit down, close my eyes and see clearly. Looking, I cannot see the walls but only the goal. Perhaps closing my eyes I would see the walls. Perhaps they have holes in them, perhaps large enough to walk through. Perhaps I only have to see the walls to pass through them. Perhaps. I know meditation to be what I am lacking, what I need. There is no wall holding me up. Yet, for all people groan about having to keep moving all the time, sitting quietly for ten minutes to half an hour seems somehow like more work than training for ten hours. I think this just tells me how much work is to be done. I do my pushups daily, forms, weapons training, etc.. But sitting and being in meditation still seems like too much time and work. Damn the monkey mind. Sitting quietly I scream. Screaming and moving my mind quiets.. at least it seems to. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Musashi is a very interesting book. An interesting man, a work of historical fiction that is somewhat based in fact. I like it, but more meat is needed to make it a truly inspirational book.

Sparring tonight. My attempts at focusing on what I'm doing have only served to make me less controlled. Too much power, too much need. I want to be great, but I can't sacrifice control over myself for it. Walking on this edge gives me vertigo, but nothing worth doing is easy. So they say.

-=AQB=-

I saw a movie once in which a man was pulled in four different directions by horses, he didn't die.. the point was that he was strong enough to sustain the pulling. That's how I feel every day, as if many forces are pulling me in different directions at the same time and that it takes all my strength to just stop from falling apart. The only thing I've done with conviction in quite some time is not drink soft drinks. The closest I come is ... Actually it's pretty much just water and tea these days. I feel the desire to break even this basic decision that I've made. It is difficult to move to a new resolution when it takes so much will power to sustain the resolution I'm on now. It's been probably six to nine months and I still want to just let go and drink a Dr. Pepper. Weak. So very weak. I train, but not as I should. I'm awake, but not as awake as I should be. I'm aware, but not as aware as I should be. I am a man of weak resolve, of weak will. I'm working to build it, but in a life of complacency how does a warrior tighten the strap and grip the sword? Dedication I apparently have, I have shown that to myself. Now to dedicate myself, to stride forward with reslove and attain. To attain emptiness in the palm I must reach with the utmost intention. Illusory feelings, illusory thoughts, illusory goals. I must remember how to focus the mind. I think I knew once.. But I fell off the edge that I walked. Time to find it. Anybody out there got a light?

Logical Progression
Weakness to Masterhood in Less than 3 steps.

-=AQB=-

I am an emptiness. A void. An understanding of nonexsistance. A demonstration of the ability to *not* be. Things flow through me, pass over me. I am left unaffected because there is nothing to affect. I could pretend otherwise but there is nothing with which I could pretend. Understanding of myself is impossible as there is nothing there. I am the yin to creation's yang. By not exsisting I allow others to exsist. By standing empty I allow each emotion to pass through me, and over me. By not being solid I do not cling to anything.

Except the thought that I do not exsist. Truth is simply truth, nothing else. A lie is only a lie, nothing else. By realizing I do not exsist, it does not make me fade away, so what will the knoweldge that I do exsist bring. What great adventures?

Logical Progression:
Nonexsistance to Greatness in seven steps or less.
I Think therefore I am. Really.

And the close of another day. Now I'm a meat head. Before I was Capitan P.J.s because I wore my Dobok Pants everywhere. Now people are agahst at my wearing of blue Jeans which for the first time in probably three years I found a pair that I like. I can't win. I'm not necessarily losing, but I'm not quite winning either. Just sort of floating across a sea of inevitibility. People like to believe in free will, that things are not preordained. I hope that is true. I hope I'm making choices based on what I think is best, and not just playing the part to a play. Because otherwise, I suppose, if preordainment is true, Buddhism is wholely incorrect. So here I am, on my little life raft in the middle of the sea of uncontrolability pretending that I control my little particular section, but really at any moment my whole life could be turned upside down. That's the point of Buddhism that I'm meditating on these days, letting go of the need to control anything. I can't, things are as they are and things will happen no matter how much work I put into it.
Speaking of putting work into things I don't really understand my progression in Tukong these days. It seems that if I put loads of work into my training I get about the same as if I just coast along. Of course most people don't consider four to five classes a day coasting along, but if you can train another three to four hours on your own and you don't, then you're coasting. I dunno, I've memorized my new form.. now I must put to learning it. I suppose this part of Martial Arts is the lesson that no matter how much you learn there are still vast continents of knowldege that you will probably not find. Humm. I like this idea of a sea of inevitibility. That's the world, thats tukong.. no matter how much work or what you do, it will continue along. You can make little splashes, but never change the direction of the waves.

Logical progression:
Sleep to Enlightenment in five steps or less.
Awaken the Sleeping Giant within indeed.

-=AQB=-